Masquerade: The submissive wife

Like a police officer behind the tape at a crime scene, I'd like to ask that if you don't have a vested interest in this topic to just move along. You will think this foolishness.

Who has a vested interest? Christian women. Particularly Christian wives who have already committed themselves to trusting God at his word when it comes to how he created them and their role in marriage.

Few have it more challenging in the world today than those who seek to love their Lord by serving God in obedience in their marriage. Janie Cheaney wrote on that very topic in a recent issue of World Magazine (here). Paula Kirby of the Washington Post spent her column railing upon the Judeo-Christian role of women, wives, and mothers. It used to be that people would think through such things when they read or hear them, but now, because the voice is loud, few consider. Most absorb. Cheaney challenges us to consider.

More and more, though, I see an infection within the church, one that is ham-stringing marriages causing them to stagnate at or below the level of mediocrity, and this particular problem--not all problems, just this one--rests in the lap of the ladies (and before I get hammered by lasses far and wide, I have begun a blog to help, spur on, and admonish husbands to fulfill their God-given roles as husbands). The infection is this: the wife who professes Christ and believes that they submit to their husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1, 5-6), but if you were to examine their relationship with their husband or even ask him, that is not what you would find.

They submit in word but not in deed.

A wife who does not submit to their husband as to the Lord has a problem that has NOTHING to do with the husband. God's commands to the wife do not depend upon whether or not she has a husband who is loving his wife as Christ loved the church just as his commands to the husband are still in full even if she is a shrew. You are right; I do not know your husband, but that does not matter. So let's get back to business.

HOW DOES THIS PLAY OUT?

First, what does it mean to submit? It means to put one's self under the authority of another.  By choice. That means there is an equality inherent in the relationship but one party recognizes the leadership role of the other party and willingly and joyfully abides by that. God does not think men are better than women, he does not feel they are more important than women, but in his economy, God ordained that the husband lead the family.  Peter describes this even footing before God when he says to the husbands that they are coheirs with their wives. Equal. Paul says that sex does not matter in our standing before Christ for we are all one before Christ (Galatians 3:28). But God in his wisdom and by design created the wife as the helper to the husband (Genesis 2:18). Both created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) but man with the responsibility to lead and woman with the responsibility to support.

Consider the godhead, Father, Son and Holy Spirit as the ultimate example of equality and submission. Three persons. Each God. Total unity. How can this be? John 6:38 gives us a picture. Christ, God the Son, does the will of God the Father. Likewise the Spirit brings glory to the Son and only does what he hears (John 16:13-14). Equality in the godhead (Philippians 2:6) but submitted order. One of his own will submits to the other. So, too, in marriage.

Please do not take this opportunity to play lawyer.  No "yeah, buts." Many of other places speak of the glory and wonder of submission. That's not my purpose. I am addressing those who know and agree in principle to the previous paragraphs but through hardness of heart are not living it out. Do you know that such a hardness is natural? God said right after the Fall of Man that this very thing would happen.

"Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." (Genesis 3:16b)

Husbands might get all excited thinking God said that the wife will have sexual desire for her husband. Um, not always the case. In context, the same word "desire" is found one chapter later in Genesis 4:7. There God warns Cain that sin desires him, to have mastery over him, but that Cain must overcome that. So in the Fall, in her broken nature, the wife will now desire to dominate her husband, to have the position of authority, rather than to submit to her role as the helper or assistant in the relationship.

Because of that, you, wife, will not want your husband to lead you. You will want to and might actually fight against his authority and his attempts to lead either passively or actively. Submitting (by definition a choice) is now contrary to your fallen nature. Ask yourself these questions:

• Does your mood turn dark (perhaps for weeks on end) when he makes a decision contrary to your desire?
• Do you immediately come up with a list of his short-comings as long as Santa's "Naughty" list when he approaches you about a concern he has seen in your life? Do you immediately try to justify your conduct by pulling out the "Naughty" list that you've been keeping against your man since "I do" to show him that he has no justification for getting into your chili?
• Do you use sex like a mackerel for Shamu? Do you taunt and tease with your wiles to get your way when it suits you?
• Do you roll your eyes behind his back (perhaps to his face) when he tries to lead the family in prayer or in reading God's word because you know his sin better than he does? 
• Do you bristle when he asks you to consult him before making major purchases? When he asks to see the checkbook? When he tries to set a budget? When he...?

Let me encourage you, again: this is natural. It's normal. But it's part of your fallen naturalness.

So let me rebuke you: it's sin.  It's the dark wife of Proverbs (19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24).

My heart aches for marriages mired in Midland because the husband has given up trying to lead his wife, thinking that it's better to live with a cease-fire than to go through the pain of trying to break through the polar icecap and bring healing to the marriage. Callouses build and spouses begin to co-exist. The wife has dominated; her desires have won the day. The husband, who perhaps has tried to lead in the past, has given up, choosing the unsettled peace of North and South Korea over the open warfare of the Union North and Confederate South.

This ought not be. The husband must lead (again, that's my other blog), but the wife must choose to submit and support and encourage and respect.  It's not North and South Korea.  It's not even the Civil War. It's one team but one that's not playing on the same page, God's page. You can't have two quarterbacks on the field at the same time. Only one can ultimately call the play.

So, wife, if you have seen your reflection in these words and do not like what you see, what do you do? If you are already a Christ-follower, you already know, but I'll spell it out anyway.

• Ask God.  Perhaps you don't know if this is you but you suspect it might be. Ask God to make it plain to you. With a sincere heart, fall before him and tell him that you don't want to be that way. God knows the dark corners of your heart and he will lead those who truly seek his way (Psalm 19:12, 13, 139:23-24).
• Repent. If you discern that this has been your way, repent.  Your sin is against God (Psalm 51:4). You have rebelled against his plan and purpose for your life. You have kicked against the goads of your design. You have put yourself upon his throne that you might order your life in a way that is most comfortable to you but is absolutely against his command. Let the Holy Spirit break your heart and grieve for what you have done. Then accept the cleansing that comes from true repentance (1 John 1:9).
• Apologize. Hardest words to speak in the English language. "I'm sorry." Be specific. Explain to your husband that you recognize what you have done and how you have behaved, and tell him how you have confessed before God and intend to walk in the future.
• Live it. Words are cheap. You will validate your words with your deeds (James 2:17-18).
• Trust God. The old root of sin will not be done away with until we are glorified, but its power over you was neutered at the cross.  Therefore, "consider yourselves dead to sin and...let not sin reign in your mortal bodies" (Romans 6:11-14). The road will be hard at times, but God does not have evil in store for you. All things work together for good (Romans 8:28). Trust him. Let him work in your life as you obey God in your marriage (Galatians 6:9).

My passion for you is that you have a marriage that honors God. It will never be perfect, alas, but if it honors God, you will know a joy in that relationship like nothing you have now. You will know his good pleasure and in so doing, you will know true pleasure. You and your man will be one flesh as much as you can be in a fallen world and that will testify to that world about the God you serve bringing him great glory. And it will bless you to your toes.

That can never happen if you do not submit heart and soul.

So if this does not concern you, move along. Nothing to see here. If it does concern you, step inside the tape and see what you can do to bring about healing.

Helping husbands

I appreciate you stopping by to read these pond-erances. Your time is limited, and how you invest the 86,400 seconds God gives you every day matters. 

I hope and pray this is a place that helps you hone your mind and your spirit by examining and understanding the world around us through the lens of God's word. Without a reference point, my thoughts have no more weight than your thoughts. Without an external standard to which we can appeal, discussions will deteriorate into screaming or swinging.

In an era where the assault against the family grows steadily more furious, families falter more and more because husbands and fathers do not hold the line. They abdicate their God given charge to lead and to love like men. In so doing, the American family continues to crumble.

In the dark days of Paul's last letter to Timothy, he encourages him to keep on keeping on as the young pastor of the Ephesian church.  Preach the word.  Reprove, rebuke, exhort.  He warns,

"For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths."

In keeping with Paul's exhortation to Timothy to be about his business, I have begun a site to spur on husbands in the enormous responsibility to "love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Once a week or so, I will post a prodding from the word of God to encourage us in the rich and wondrous adventure God has given us as husbands.

The site for husbands is called, for lack of originality, "Husbands, Love Your Wives," and can be found at http://www.husbandsloveyourwives.blogspot.com/.

If you find refreshment and challenge there, let me encourage you to pass it on to other men. Challenge other men to love their wives as Christ loved the church, not because you have it completely doped out, but because it is the right thing to do.

"Exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." 

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(verses cited:  2 Timothy 4:3-4, Ephesians 5:25, Hebrews 4:13)

Husbands, can I have a minute?

Gents, we're Valentine's Day plus one. Three hundred sixty-four more until the next flower-chocolate requirement. But I tell you, if we look upon that opportunity to bless our bride as a requirement we are missing out on one of the most remarkable aspects of this life, the joy of relationship that surpasses all others (again, I'll caveat for those who need it, "apart from God").

Here's a great read to chew upon regarding your role as husband (For Husbands Only). What does God call you to be for your woman?  Take a moment. Think on it. Let God's word sink deep into your roots, and let it flourish to bear fruit in your relationship with your wife.

How do I love thee? If you don't think it matters...

And you shall make two cherubim of gold; of hammered work shall you make them, on the two ends of the mercy seat. Make one cherub on the one end, and one cherub on the other end. Of one piece with the mercy seat shall you make the cherubim on its two ends. The cherubim shall spread out their wings above, overshadowing the mercy seat with their wings, their faces one to another; toward the mercy seat shall the faces of the cherubim be. (Exodus 25:18-20)

That's how God said he wanted to top the Ark of the Covenant.  Imagine for a moment if Moses brought this specification to Israel and went to the guy who specialized in the tops to Arks of the Covenant, and the guy retorts, "Well, that's just stupid! I can make one cherub for less than half the cost and if I keep the wings close to the body, it'll be a far cry easier to craft."

A bit later we find this tidbit.

And you shall make a veil of blue and purple and scarlet yarns and fine twined linen. It shall be made with cherubim skillfully worked into it. (Exodus 26:31)

This time Moses approaches the veil-making section of the Tabernacle artisan's shop. Same response. "What's with the cherubim! We've got some leftover goatskins in the backroom from the Tabernacle's outer curtains (26:7), and not one cherubim would have to be woven.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to weave a single pudgy angel into the cloth?"

No, I don't think Moses received that response. Imagine the honor it would be to ply your craft at God's request. You'd be throwing in extra cherubim. And how about a few pomegranates? What an honor!

Think about it. You may have no idea why God wants a veil of blue and purple yarn instead of the usual red or green or why he wants angelic hosts replicated therein, but it doesn't matter. You do it because you know it pleases him. When you love someone, you are delighted to serve them even when you don't understand why a particular thing makes them so giddy.

Why do we have such a hard time applying that to marriage?

Lorraine likes to have her hands rubbed.  Leroy has nothing for it. He can't fathom what she sees in a handrub so he doesn't rub Lorraine's hands. Do you know what it would mean to Lorraine to have her hands rubbed?

Bob loves broccoli. Barb hates it. Nothing more loathesome in the world to her. As such they never have broccoli for dinner. Barb won't make it. Do you know how much it would bless Bob if Barb would learn to cook broccoli how Bob likes it?

If I truly love my wife, I will want to scratch her itch the way she wants it scratched. Applying my itch to my wife and trying to scratch the itch she doesn't even have is stupid!

Valentine's Day is approaching with the speed of a muzzle-velocity .45-caliber bullet. What do I do? If my wife likes flowers, I get her flowers. If she likes daisies but detests daffodils, I don't buy her daffodils. If she likes chocolate, I buy her chocolate. If she likes Hershey Kisses but doesn't dig Ghirardelli, what do I do? Sweat. Anxiety. Is it really that hard? No. I buy her Kisses. By the wheelbarrow.

God crafted you specially to be an artisan. The fancy he wants you to tickle belongs to your spouse. Figure it out. Your spouse has a deep desire. Find it. I don't care how silly you think it is, love her by finding out what that desire is and fulfill it with lavish, slobbering, over-the-top love, all because you really want to even though you don't get it.

And then throw in a few pomegranates.

The undercover marital defense

Defense is for the doomed. Consider the Confederates. By the time they'd reached Petersburg, their shriveled forces could only muster a defense. They hoped to run the war to a stalemate, by making the North lose heart. They ended up getting themselves crushed just up the river at Appamattox.

The old proverb declares that the best defense is a good offense.  Consider the meager Confederate forces when they still had a bit of muscle. Rather than try and hold ground in The Wilderness, the Gray caught the Blue lolling on their confidence.  Led by Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, the Confederates routed a Union force twice their size at Chancellorsville by going on the attack. 

The apostle Paul provides married couples one of the best defenses for their marriage by llikewise spurring them to go on the offensive.  His advice?  Slip between the sheets.

"Whoa! Hey--whoa!" you stammer. "You can't talk abou that!" Why not? God does. Hang with me a bit.

Particle-board furniture lasts longer than most marriages in America. Christian marriages fare little better.  I've heard the argument that those aren't "real" Christian marriages. Considering I've seen a half-dozen "real" Christian marriages destroyed in the last year or so, I don't buy that argument.

Consider this.  Satan wants to destroy you. If you don't believe it, look up what Jesus and Peter said (John 8:44, 1 Peter 5:8).  What better way to destroy you than by destroying your marriage? Paul warns the Corinthian church about not giving themselves over to physical intimacy outside of marriage (1 Corinthians 6:12-20) and warns the married that Satan will use their God-given sexual appetites to drive their marriages over a cliff (7:5b).

To be clear, my sin is my sin. The devil cannot make me do it, but he can sure make the way look mighty interesting. Men finding younger models. Women finding more compassionate models.  Men hungry for adventure. Women convinced there has to be more to life than marital monotony. Three ... two ... one ... BOOM!

This shouldn't be so for the Christian marriage. We're supposed to know that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, to know that greater love has no man than that he lay down his life for his friends (and his spouse), and to know that God hates divorce. ‘Til death do us part. Richer, poorer, sickness, health, etc, etc. That’s why they used to be called (and still are in fewer and fewer circles) wedding vows.

It shouldn't be so, but it is so. The whys and where-fors are manifold, but Paul highlights one area in his letter to the Corinthians that Christians don't want to talk about but need to talk about. Many marriages fail because of sex.

Go back to 1 Corinthians 7. Paul explains that marriage is good for avoiding sexual sin, it gives us a proper outlet for the ache God has cultivated within us. He explains how that relationship should flesh out (sorry). I am for my wife (7:4b). What's that mean? My responsibility to my woman is to please her and to delight in so doing!.  She is for me (7:4a). What's that mean? Her responsibility to her man is to please her man and to delight in so doing!

Marital sexual dysfunction is rampant within the church. Toting pre-marital baggage doesn't help. Improper prudery within marriage doesn't help either. God meant for physical intimacy to be a delight. Frollick through the pages of the Song of Solomon. Consider the imagery and the plain language of Proverbs 5:15-23. Um, is it getting warm in here?

Know your husband. Know your wife. What do they like? (No, I'm not talking about dinner or what color to paint the ceiling.) Don't know? Ask! Talk about it. Become a PhD on the subject of your spouse.

Sadly, many couples forsake coupling because of a difficult day when, really, that may be just the ticket to turn such a day into a sweet blessing.

Paul does give a reason for not enjoying one another: prayer. A time of hardship may face the couple where they agree to channel their intimacy toward petition (1 Corinthians 7:5), but that must be for a brief season.  What's brief? That's between you two. After that, find your way into the other's arms.

What if that part of your relationship has begun to wither on the vine? Time to tend the vine! Rekindle the diminished flame. Why? So Satan doesn't tempt your lack of self-control or your spouses.  Do you think you're immune to self-control problems? Let me ask you, how many Christian spouses who committed adultery planned on committing adultery six-months earlier? If you think you stand, beware (1 Corinthians 10:12-13).

Who knows? We might actually start talking about this in the church, and we'll see that we're not the only ones struggling with this issue. That might actually lead to frank discussions about what we can do to till up the soil that has grown hard and weed-infested.

Paul wants us to defend our marriages by making our marriages strong. Sometimes he provides us a sound theological foundation (Ephesians 5:21ff), but his letter to the Corinthian church gives us nuts-and-bolts practicality for securing our marriage.  Rather than twiddling our thumbs hoping upon hope that our marriages will survive the year, the apostle steers our attention toward the eyes of our spouse, the one God has specially given to us.

Light a candle and enjoy!

Who's your Eve?

In Genesis chapter 2, God allows Adam to discover that he’d been created alone.  Despite perfect fellowship with Almighty God and despite an earth teeming with enough flora and fauna to flabbergast the mind, Adam was alone.

When the light bulb went on over Adam’s head, God turned it out, put him to sleep, and crafted that which would complete Adam.

God didn’t make another animal.

God didn’t make another tree.

God didn’t make another man.

God made Eve.

Take special note; God did not create five lassies from which Adam could pick his favorite.  He didn’t create a few lassies and a few lads for Adam to try and determine his gender.

God.

Created.

One.

Woman.

For one man.

For Adam.

“But what if they hadn’t clicked?” you might ask.  Or how about sexual incompatibility?  What if he snored?  What if she was a winter and he liked summers?  What if he liked ski vacations and she liked Broadway?

Acck –ptooey!!  Hairball.

For Adam, God made Eve and presented her to him.  She entered the world created from and as the unique and special gift for one man, the only man.  She for him.

Adam had NO choice.  Eve had NO choice.  In breathtaking understatement, Adam exalts, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.”  If I may loosely paraphrase, “WOW!  Are you kidding??  That’s for ME??”  You can use your imagination with the rest.  Some would argue that they could have rejected each other, but that would be as likely as Sarah Palin opting for Dillards over Denali National Park.  Or me aching for Jerry Jones to become owner of the Vikings and the Twins.  Not gonna happen.  Ever.

God himself indicated a few thousand years later that his intention had always been that what he had joined together man had no business tearing apart (Matthew 19:6).  In other words, God joined Adam and Eve together.  Adam for Eve.  Eve for Adam.  Christ equated that union with the union of every man and woman of his day, and because it transcended those four preceding millennia, it reaches forward two more and applies to us today.

*Revelation warning*-- God’s not surprised that you’re married to the one you married.  Jesus exposed that he joined you two together.

How’s that flesh out (so to speak)?  One woman for him.  One man for her.  No other.  God ordained.  God designed.

Really, I could and should be able to end right there, but we in our sinful nature immediately vomit out, “Yeah, but…”  In all honesty, a lot has happened since Genesis 3.  There’s a lot of filthy water that’s passed under that bridge.  Why do we not sit at work and think about what awaits us at home with an “ooh, boy!  She’s for me” kind of Adamic excitement.  Why does our woman not have excitement and anticipatory butterflies hammering her stomach while she waits for her man’s eyes to fall upon her face and form after being apart for the day? 

Two things thwart our hunger for one another.  The first and biggest problem is you (and "I" as I write this, that pronoun sticks an enormous finger out of my monitor and into my chest).  We carry so many scorecards around in our pockets regarding snubs and neglect from the past that we cannot love our spouse.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  That hurts.  Yep, it might.  God's command to love my wife and lay my life down for her and his command to her to respect and submit to me do not come with an “If only they love me to my satisfaction” clause. 

Face it.  We are selfish, but Christ calls us to servanthood.  My life is not my own.  It’s Christ’s.  He purchased me.  As such, I lay myself down for him in submission by laying myself down for my wife.  The wife does so in respect and honor to the husband.  Until we get rid of all of our scorecards, our marriages will only be mediocre…at best.

The second roadblock to a Genesis 2 thrill about our spouse is trust.  In a jaded, post-modern, post-Christian 21st century America, we don't trust God.  God made us.  In marriage, he made the other for us.  He knows how best that marriage thing should work.  He went so far as to write some of those things down for us.  Problem is, we don't trust him.  Don't believe me?  Chomp on 1 Corinthians 13 for a few days and see how you measure up.  Gnaw on your part of Ephesians 5 and let God have his way with you (5:25-33 for the men and 5:22-24 for the women). 

If I really trust the God who made me, I will live out his guidance for me and my marriage in loving trust that he knows what's best.  I will keep no scorecard.  I will lay down my life for my wife to the glory of God...and trust him for the rest.

If the passages in 1 Corinthians 13 and Ephesians 5 do not exemplify my marriage and I call myself a Christian, I am the hypocritical Christian the world so loves to hate, that James speaks out against  in James 2:14-26, and that Jesus himself indicts in Revelation 3:1-3.

Trust God.  Love your wife.  Honor your man.

Polishing marriage

Sometimes you need an outside look to sober up your perspective.

American marriage has hit the rocks. Disillusionment and infidelity have left many to wonder, “Why bother? Three things help me focus on the wonder and beauty that marriage can and should be.

First, take stock in a good marriage. Do you know someone with a great marriage? Talk to them. Find out what makes them tick. Translate that into your relationship. If you want to get better at golf, talk to Tiger Woods. If you want to get better at marriage, talk to someone else.

Second, understand that there are weeds on the other side of the fence, too. Take note of the amazing surprises in your own yard. In Sunday’s paper, columnist Betsy Hart responded to Time Magazine’s article which wondered “Who needs marriage?” with brevity. “I do,” she declared.

Married for seventeen years, Ms. Hart has been divorced for the last four. I don’t know the cause of the divorce, but she was very transparent about some of the things she misses. Like a husband who disciplines the children in support of his bride. Or someone to simply come along side and help with the highs and lows of life, from “putting up Christmas lights” to “killing spiders.” Then there’s this crystalline insight.

"But marriage is certainly not, ultimately, about sharing parenting -- which has a limited shelf life. At least, it shouldn't be. It's about sharing a life. As a woman, I want to feel protected and cared for by a husband. I believe I'm -- gasp! -- built to want that. But it's also about what I'm built to uniquely give to one man committed to me: my support, respect, admiration and encouragement, and all without ever trying to make him my best girlfriend! Without a spouse, right now I'm not able to give full expression to those things."

But what about the tough times when his/her jerk-meter is pegged?  She wisely noted,

"I even need the conflict of marriage. Really. Bearing with a man, with someone so different from me, giving him the freedom to fail and still loving him, would again stretch me as a human being. A lot. Humbly receiving that same forbearance from him? Well, that's part of what I need, too."

Wow. She recognizes something, though, that most people and most married people miss about marriage today. It’s not 50/50. It’s a 100% investment, and that’s the third thing to help understand the wonder and beauty of marriage. Get God’s perspective on the deal.

You see, marriage is of God. If not, then we might as well go the way of the critters where each gent corrals as many fillies as he can handle. But God designed one Eve for Adam.* The word of God is chock full of great passages on marriage and the roles of the husband and wife. If you’ve never taken the time to ponder these passages, grab a Bible or go online, and meditate upon what God has to say about YOUR role in marriage (let your spouse worry about their role).

• Genesis 1:26-31
• Genesis 2:18-25
• Proverbs 5:15-23
• Proverbs 18:22, 19:14
• Proverbs 31 (a great passage on how a husband should praise his woman)
• The Song of Solomon (all--oh yes, all!)
• Matthew 19:3-9
• 1 Corinthians 6:12-7:5 (you can go all the way through ch. 7)
• (You knew this one was coming) Ephesians 5:21-33
• Colossians 3:18-19
• 1 Peter 3:1-7

Some things do get better with age. Marriage is one of those things. When one or both partners is willing to give the 100% sacrificial love called for by Almighty God, it can be a truly great thing.

Make contact with those in great marriages. Keep your eyes on your side of the fence and appreciate the wonder and beauty in your marriage. And seek out God’s counsel on what it takes to make a marriage and what it takes to make it work.

Then, enjoy the fruit!

*The polygamy within the Bible ALWAYS birthed chaos and was not God’s design.

Memorial day, of the marital kind

It's an extraordinary thing to commit one's self to another for life, vowing before God and man to invest heart and soul into the mystical union that takes place between husband and wife.  Twenty-five years ago today, my bride and I made that commitment.

When we made those vows, marriage seemed like granite.  We were Christians after all.  The "D-word" would not be spoken in our home (it still is not).  With Christ as head, ours would be an invincible relationship.

As we have approached this wondrous milestone, our hearts have grieved as many have just stopped and gotten out of the car.  Many have, in tragedy, been taken from the car.  That relationship we had assumed was as steady as bedrock has begun to appear delicate and fragile.

On this day, I consider myself a richly blessed man.  Am I the most richly blessed?  One cannot make such a comparison.  I am only me.  I know only me, and what I know is the wonder of spending twenty-five years with a woman who loves me.  For those of you who know me, too, you understand what a wonder that is! 

I shared a quote on Facebook a few weeks back, a quote by C.S. Lewis in which he highlighted the importance of right priority.  He said,

When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are... put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.

Second things are not supressed but increased.  I have seen love played out in my life by a woman who loves her man because she loves her Lord.  She would tell you that she loves her man, too, but as her man looks in the mirror and sees himself for what he believes himself to be, he knows that it takes a supernatural commitment to Someone else for such a woman to love him so completely.  Because she loves her Lord first and foremost, the love she lavishes upon her husband is otherworldly.

Her heightened awareness of marriage's fragility has thrust my bride deeper into the arms of her Savior.  She knows as I leave for work in the morning that my afternoon return is not guaranteed.  She leans on her Christ.  And an interesting thing has happened.  Over the years, her greater dependency upon Jesus has not caused her to withdraw in our relationship.  On the contrary, she gives with such a wreckless love that it makes my head swim.

And I have seen another amazing thing.  As she has soaked me head to toe in her love, how can I do anything but love such a one in return?  Truly God has manifest his love to mankind most visibly through the flesh and blood of Jesus Christ, but Solomon was oh, so right when he declared,

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.

I, through no merit of my own, have received God's favor in the woman he has given me with which to walk my days on this earth.  God has blessed me with a restored relationship with him through Christ.  Surely that would have been enough, but no, he has given me a woman I never could have imagined to be my friend, to be my lover, to be my confidant, to be my wife.

With no hint of guile, there is no other person on this planet with whom I would rather share five minutes, five hours, five years or five decades than my wife.  And if I could preserve her forever as the person I married or the person she is now, I would take right now a thousand times over only because I did not offer myself the choice of the person she will be in twenty-five years should God give us that long.

Should God take her from me tomorrow, I will weep with joy for every moment he allowed me to share with one so rich in beauty.  I will praise his name for the wonder of his image I have been blessed to see in one so dear to me.  I will hope and pray that I will learn from the example of a woman so fine how well to love those around me.  A good thing?  Indeed.  Favor?  Oh, my!

If you've been thinking of getting out of the car, don't.  You'll not find a finer vehicle nor a better partner with which to enjoy God's journey.  How do I know?  Because he has said so.  And because I have lived it.

Twenty-five years.  Thank you, Lord.  Would you see fit to give us another twenty-five, please, should you tarry?

Thank you, Tracy.

Your man until my last breath,

keith

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NOTE: Imagine the laughter in our home this morning as my bride and I awoke to find the other not only had blogged about this special day but they also 1) posted it at the same time (12:01 a.m.) and 2) used many of the same words and ideas to describe our union. You can find her post here if you haven't OD'ed on treacley sweetness yet.

Husbands: According to her

I remember loving Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle" as a kid.  You could understand the lyrics, but the depth of their meaning went clean over my head.  At 46, the lyrics sting and sober like an unforeseen slap in the face.

Lyrics have always hung with me.  No doubt, the melody will hook your ear, but it's the lyric that keeps me coming back for more.

Today, I caught a recent release for the second time.  The first time I heard it, the tune didn't overwhelm me.  Palatable like a decent PB and J.  I caught most of the lyrics, but with the canned and grungy, techno-pop, I didn't pay them much heed.  Today, though, the lyrics barged into my man-space with as much notification as Israel will get when Iran sends its Valentine's greeting.

Grant me a bit of liberty.  "According to You" by Orianthi seems to be about relationships in 21st century America, volatile, fluid, moving from whichever partner deems you significant at the moment.  As such, it's bereft on a couple of levels.

But hear the first verse.

According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right
According to you
I'm difficult
hard to please
forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
can't show up on time
even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you.

Where "Cat's in the Cradle" stuck a finger in the eye of dads who chose the job over the kids, "According to You" targets the liver of the man who takes for granted the girl at his side.  Let me barb the harpoon a bit more.  Focus the bullseye upon we husbands who do not treasure the wife of our youth.

It's easy.  The woman you rely upon to be there through thick and thin, you think she can take it 'cause you don't really mean the jab, right?  She knows you really love her, doesn't she?  A callous word here.  An insensitive joke there.  A shake of the head and a roll of the eyes with "I can't believe it" muttered under the breath can easily be translated into, "YOU NIT!!"

How many wives hear that first verse day after day after day?

Flip the switch.  Chorus.

But according to him
I'm beautiful
incredible
he can't get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny
irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything Im not according to you

What's this guy tell her?  Without saying, "I love you," he tells her over and over again, "I LOVE YOU!"  The soul-starved woman craves to hear such things from the lips of her man. 

The end of the chorus points toward the ditching of the one for the other, a tragedy in the era of disposable relationships, but if you cut off the last three lines, who could be singing the lyric?  Who sings into the soul of a woman to her absolute satisfaction?  Her God and Savior, Jesus Christ.  "You're beautiful" (Song of Solomon 1:15), "Incredible" (SoS 4:9), "I'll not forget you" (Isaiah 49:15).  He loves her with a love far more fulfilling than the satiation of the sexual appetite.

So ought a husband to love his wife, not like verse two.

According to you
I'm boring
I'm moody
and you can't take me any place
According to you
I suck at telling jokes 'cause I always give it away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
you're the boy who puts up with that
According to you, according to you.

Ouch.  Day after day after day.

Unfortunately, most of the readers to this blog are women.  Please don't rub this under the nose of your man.

But men, stick this message in the ear of your compadres.  "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22).  That is truth!  We may not see it, but that's because we're looking through the jaded and sin-stained eyes of the world.  God has given us a precious woman with which to walk a few days upon this earth before we cross the veil into eternity.  Cherish her with your words...and mean them.  Cherish her, value her, as the priceless gift from God to you that she is.

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.  Maybe start with your words.  Maybe start on Valentine's Day.  Maybe start today.  Sing her the chorus.

One flesh

This spring, my eldest two sons will walk down the aisle into holy matrimony, and I have to tell you, I'm stoked!

Tracy and I have prayed for these girls from the day we learned she was pregnant.  Granted, until we caught sight of our sons' plumbing, it was the generic spouse, but even on the grainy ultrasounds of yesteryear, we soon started praying for their wives.  We don't know their fiances as well as they do, but we could not be more pleased with the lassies the Lord has provided for our sons.

And why so stoked?  Because after nearly a quarter-century beside my bride I can say with a Christmas giggle that I would take any year I found myself in with her over all the preceding years.  I do not say that boasting.  As you well surmise if you've followed my blog for any period of time, I am a hard man to live with.  How richly blessed I am that I have a woman who does not keep score, a woman who loves me with a God-honoring love and seeks my very best.  At the same time, and with near-perfect imperfection, I attempt to love her as Jesus loves the church and gave himself up for her.

What has happened over the years?  We have become more and more what God intended in husband and wife, that we would become one flesh (Genesis 2:23-24).  By submitting ourselves to God and his designs, when we seek to be the groom or bride he would have us to be instead of demanding from the other the groom or spouse we want them to be, he (God) has crafted in our relationship something marvelous, something unique, something fulfilling, something exciting.

Please don't misunderstand.  We have issues.  We have come out of a most challenging season.  At the same time, there are no exits on our airplane.  There are no parachutes.  If we start getting smoke in the cockpit, we'd better figure out how to put it out.  We have worked through challenge upon challenge but always with the commitment to the Lord and to our marriage and thereby, to one another. 

What are we promised tomorrow?  Nothing.  Should we awake side by side, each new day together depends upon our commitment to one another.  50-50 fails.  Only when a spouse is willing to risk 100% can they know the kind of relationship God intends within marriage.  Only in losing their life will they find it.  Those who want to hold fast to their wants and desires will end up embittered and disillusioned.

Too many quit their vows in the early years because the white-hot passion wanes.  More and more, couples are quitting their vows after decades.  Newer model?  Dissatisfaction?  Frustration?  Too often one destroys the relationship by seeking relationship outside of marriage.  Not always.  Most of the time.

My boys know this.  They have seen it.  But they've also seen couples who have committed for the long haul.  They've seen the sweet fruit that grows from a tree that has put roots into a solid and nourishing foundation.  They know they have no guarantees in their marriage beyond the choices they and their brides make each moment of each day.  They know that their garden will flourish only so long as they tend it.  The longer the garden matures, the more beautiful the garden will become.  If left untended, it will become weed infested and unrecognizable.  As they ready themselves to walk the aisle, they commit themselves to God and to their bride that in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, forsaking all others they will tend to the sweet garden God has given them.

Should God grant me and my family twenty-five more years on this earth, I look forward to seeing what they have cultivated.  Until then, I'm off to mow my lawn.

Fanning the fire...after kids

I caught an article on one of the news web-sites about certain indicators that your relationship is doomed. Please, no fretting. I wasn't comparing and contrasting my affections for my bride against the whims of the day, but I was interested in what the secular culture felt to be toxic to a relationship.

Some of the items were of the "duh" variety. Husband and wife regularly taking separate vacations. Being overly tied to your parents, the mama's boy or daddy's girl. Others I couldn't follow. The woman being smarter than the guy, for example. Why is that a death sentence to a relationship? Isn't a relationship about caring more about the other person than you do for yourself? Isn't it about common goals and focus? For the Christians, isn't it about honoring and glorifying God in your lives?

Anyway, the relationship poison that knotted my knickers was "children."  Yes, kids!  Shouldn't it be obvious that if you marry another person and start--well, you know--that the little swimmer might bump itself into the little ovum and babies might be made? A sad fact of twenty first century life is that many couples don't want to have kids, and if one of the little beasties pops up, many couples let an unexpected child torpedo their relationship.

Anyway, this post isn't for those folks. It’s for the husband and wife that actually wanted kids. A great hazard to procreating is the demise of the spontaneous wrestling match between bride and groom. As dopey as the article was, one quote stuck out. “Once you have rugrats, your love life is over. Sorry, I speak from experience.”

I speak from experience, too, and yes, having kids can get in the way of the noon nookie, but the sexual sauce can age very well if the husband and wife must make time for blending their bodies.

To that end, a few tidbits we’ve picked up along the way.

1. Put your kids to bed! The parents that let their kids stay up until ten o’clock when they’re little don’t have their eyes set on each other. They’re letting the kids rule the roost. Kids need their sleep and dad needs to stare into mom’s eyes…and then some. At ten, both tots and folks are tuckered out.

2. Put your kids to bed! Yeah, I know I just said that, but small children need rest during the day, too. Naps or quiet time in the early afternoon provide the children much needed rest and on occasion can provide the folks with a frisky frolic on the rare occasion when they both happen to be home.

3. Schedule. Yes, spontaneity is nice, but it’s going to happen every blue moon as the children grow. So carve out time. Plan ahead. And then look forward to it. Talk about it. Send your bride an e-mail from work. Text him. Let each other know your thinking about them…yes, in that way.

4. Use the lock on the bedroom door. As your kids get old enough to occupy themselves during the day, you might steal a moment or two alone. That can also lead to some comical moments. I remember one day when my youngest son came to the door, and me suggesting that we’d be out in a bit. He turned to his brothers and asked, “Are they working on their recital in their?” as my eldest son began to practice the “Theme from Star Wars” on the piano. Oh, did we laugh.

The physical intimacy that comes naturally in the months after the wedding day must be cultivated with great care in the decades that ensue. If husband and wife let children bring an end to their erotic escapades, they run the risk of damaging their relationship.

Make the time. Make it happen.  Yes, enjoy your kids, but don’t ever stop enjoying (really enjoying!) your mate.

For husband and wife: Problems in bed

One of the thorniest areas in marriage relationships and one of the least talked about areas within the church are one and the same, that is physical intimacy within marriage. I mean, it's not that hard to figure out how it works, is it? So what's the problem?

From cover to cover, the Bible makes no attempts to hide our proclivity for sexual problems. Polygamy abounds. Incest is not hidden. The daughter-in-law who seduces her father-in-law. Leviticus 18 condemns areas of deviation that would make most shudder. Adultery and intimate relations outside the bonds of marriage are routinely and roundly denounced. The first half-dozen chapters of Proverbs clarion a father's warning to his son about straying onto the path of sexual sin. Is it any wonder that all is not smooth sailing in the marriage bed between husband and wife?

God makes plain that physical intimacy is to be a good thing. You can start with the attire He first gave to Adam and Eve. Nada. They were to be one flesh. They were to cleave to one another. Procreation is certainly commanded but God created physical intimacy to be so much more. Delicious. Rapturous. Soul-knitting. Why would God's word indicate that her breasts were to satisfy? (Proverbs 5:17) Why would He include an entire book of some of the steamiest (and yet not pornographic) poetry ever recorded? (Song of Solomon) Why would He included warning after warning about the problems that would be birthed through not keeping the marriage bed pure? Why would the apostle Paul encourage frequency regarding physical intimacy (1 Corinthians 7) if this were not a good thing meant to cement, foster, cultivate, and exemplify intimacy that exists in the marriage relationship?

But if this is an area of friction and tension in my marriage, what do I do? We sure don't want to go the way of the world and make sex the object of the relationship. That seems to be what some churches are doing when they preach through "Seven Days to Great Sex." Sounds more like the garbage in the checkout aisle at the local supermarket. So where can a couple turn?

We're stuck. We probably don't want to talk with the spouse if we're already having issues in that area (even though they're the one we need to be talking to). Pride gets in the way of discussing it with a close friend. Who wants to admit to troubles betwixt the sheets? If you can't bring it up with your best bud who loves the Lord, are you going to be any more comfortable bringing it up with your pastor? Methinks not.

Conflict left festering often leads to sin in this area and others. It must be dealt with.

Beyond having a sound understanding of what God's word says about physical intimacy between husband and wife and submitting yourself thereto, I have read no more succinct a delineation of what the physical relationship means to the husband than that from columnist and radio personality Dennis Prager. Being a committed Jew, he considers the marriage relationship from a biblical perspective (albeit limited to the Old Testament) and sheds light into an area of turmoil too oft left hidden.

Much has been written about the woman. I intend no slight. Intimacy is intended for both. But of late, I've seen and heard precious little about the significance of physical intimacy for the husband intended to inform the wife.

I offer up these articles written last winter as fodder for you and your spouse toward working through any turbulence in your physical relationship. They are "clean." Don't let the titles throw you off; the columns are revelatory and worth your time. Read them here, part I, and here, part II.

Many happy returns.