Masquerade: The submissive wife

Like a police officer behind the tape at a crime scene, I'd like to ask that if you don't have a vested interest in this topic to just move along. You will think this foolishness.

Who has a vested interest? Christian women. Particularly Christian wives who have already committed themselves to trusting God at his word when it comes to how he created them and their role in marriage.

Few have it more challenging in the world today than those who seek to love their Lord by serving God in obedience in their marriage. Janie Cheaney wrote on that very topic in a recent issue of World Magazine (here). Paula Kirby of the Washington Post spent her column railing upon the Judeo-Christian role of women, wives, and mothers. It used to be that people would think through such things when they read or hear them, but now, because the voice is loud, few consider. Most absorb. Cheaney challenges us to consider.

More and more, though, I see an infection within the church, one that is ham-stringing marriages causing them to stagnate at or below the level of mediocrity, and this particular problem--not all problems, just this one--rests in the lap of the ladies (and before I get hammered by lasses far and wide, I have begun a blog to help, spur on, and admonish husbands to fulfill their God-given roles as husbands). The infection is this: the wife who professes Christ and believes that they submit to their husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1, 5-6), but if you were to examine their relationship with their husband or even ask him, that is not what you would find.

They submit in word but not in deed.

A wife who does not submit to their husband as to the Lord has a problem that has NOTHING to do with the husband. God's commands to the wife do not depend upon whether or not she has a husband who is loving his wife as Christ loved the church just as his commands to the husband are still in full even if she is a shrew. You are right; I do not know your husband, but that does not matter. So let's get back to business.

HOW DOES THIS PLAY OUT?

First, what does it mean to submit? It means to put one's self under the authority of another.  By choice. That means there is an equality inherent in the relationship but one party recognizes the leadership role of the other party and willingly and joyfully abides by that. God does not think men are better than women, he does not feel they are more important than women, but in his economy, God ordained that the husband lead the family.  Peter describes this even footing before God when he says to the husbands that they are coheirs with their wives. Equal. Paul says that sex does not matter in our standing before Christ for we are all one before Christ (Galatians 3:28). But God in his wisdom and by design created the wife as the helper to the husband (Genesis 2:18). Both created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) but man with the responsibility to lead and woman with the responsibility to support.

Consider the godhead, Father, Son and Holy Spirit as the ultimate example of equality and submission. Three persons. Each God. Total unity. How can this be? John 6:38 gives us a picture. Christ, God the Son, does the will of God the Father. Likewise the Spirit brings glory to the Son and only does what he hears (John 16:13-14). Equality in the godhead (Philippians 2:6) but submitted order. One of his own will submits to the other. So, too, in marriage.

Please do not take this opportunity to play lawyer.  No "yeah, buts." Many of other places speak of the glory and wonder of submission. That's not my purpose. I am addressing those who know and agree in principle to the previous paragraphs but through hardness of heart are not living it out. Do you know that such a hardness is natural? God said right after the Fall of Man that this very thing would happen.

"Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." (Genesis 3:16b)

Husbands might get all excited thinking God said that the wife will have sexual desire for her husband. Um, not always the case. In context, the same word "desire" is found one chapter later in Genesis 4:7. There God warns Cain that sin desires him, to have mastery over him, but that Cain must overcome that. So in the Fall, in her broken nature, the wife will now desire to dominate her husband, to have the position of authority, rather than to submit to her role as the helper or assistant in the relationship.

Because of that, you, wife, will not want your husband to lead you. You will want to and might actually fight against his authority and his attempts to lead either passively or actively. Submitting (by definition a choice) is now contrary to your fallen nature. Ask yourself these questions:

• Does your mood turn dark (perhaps for weeks on end) when he makes a decision contrary to your desire?
• Do you immediately come up with a list of his short-comings as long as Santa's "Naughty" list when he approaches you about a concern he has seen in your life? Do you immediately try to justify your conduct by pulling out the "Naughty" list that you've been keeping against your man since "I do" to show him that he has no justification for getting into your chili?
• Do you use sex like a mackerel for Shamu? Do you taunt and tease with your wiles to get your way when it suits you?
• Do you roll your eyes behind his back (perhaps to his face) when he tries to lead the family in prayer or in reading God's word because you know his sin better than he does? 
• Do you bristle when he asks you to consult him before making major purchases? When he asks to see the checkbook? When he tries to set a budget? When he...?

Let me encourage you, again: this is natural. It's normal. But it's part of your fallen naturalness.

So let me rebuke you: it's sin.  It's the dark wife of Proverbs (19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24).

My heart aches for marriages mired in Midland because the husband has given up trying to lead his wife, thinking that it's better to live with a cease-fire than to go through the pain of trying to break through the polar icecap and bring healing to the marriage. Callouses build and spouses begin to co-exist. The wife has dominated; her desires have won the day. The husband, who perhaps has tried to lead in the past, has given up, choosing the unsettled peace of North and South Korea over the open warfare of the Union North and Confederate South.

This ought not be. The husband must lead (again, that's my other blog), but the wife must choose to submit and support and encourage and respect.  It's not North and South Korea.  It's not even the Civil War. It's one team but one that's not playing on the same page, God's page. You can't have two quarterbacks on the field at the same time. Only one can ultimately call the play.

So, wife, if you have seen your reflection in these words and do not like what you see, what do you do? If you are already a Christ-follower, you already know, but I'll spell it out anyway.

• Ask God.  Perhaps you don't know if this is you but you suspect it might be. Ask God to make it plain to you. With a sincere heart, fall before him and tell him that you don't want to be that way. God knows the dark corners of your heart and he will lead those who truly seek his way (Psalm 19:12, 13, 139:23-24).
• Repent. If you discern that this has been your way, repent.  Your sin is against God (Psalm 51:4). You have rebelled against his plan and purpose for your life. You have kicked against the goads of your design. You have put yourself upon his throne that you might order your life in a way that is most comfortable to you but is absolutely against his command. Let the Holy Spirit break your heart and grieve for what you have done. Then accept the cleansing that comes from true repentance (1 John 1:9).
• Apologize. Hardest words to speak in the English language. "I'm sorry." Be specific. Explain to your husband that you recognize what you have done and how you have behaved, and tell him how you have confessed before God and intend to walk in the future.
• Live it. Words are cheap. You will validate your words with your deeds (James 2:17-18).
• Trust God. The old root of sin will not be done away with until we are glorified, but its power over you was neutered at the cross.  Therefore, "consider yourselves dead to sin and...let not sin reign in your mortal bodies" (Romans 6:11-14). The road will be hard at times, but God does not have evil in store for you. All things work together for good (Romans 8:28). Trust him. Let him work in your life as you obey God in your marriage (Galatians 6:9).

My passion for you is that you have a marriage that honors God. It will never be perfect, alas, but if it honors God, you will know a joy in that relationship like nothing you have now. You will know his good pleasure and in so doing, you will know true pleasure. You and your man will be one flesh as much as you can be in a fallen world and that will testify to that world about the God you serve bringing him great glory. And it will bless you to your toes.

That can never happen if you do not submit heart and soul.

So if this does not concern you, move along. Nothing to see here. If it does concern you, step inside the tape and see what you can do to bring about healing.