Fanning the fire...after kids

I caught an article on one of the news web-sites about certain indicators that your relationship is doomed. Please, no fretting. I wasn't comparing and contrasting my affections for my bride against the whims of the day, but I was interested in what the secular culture felt to be toxic to a relationship.

Some of the items were of the "duh" variety. Husband and wife regularly taking separate vacations. Being overly tied to your parents, the mama's boy or daddy's girl. Others I couldn't follow. The woman being smarter than the guy, for example. Why is that a death sentence to a relationship? Isn't a relationship about caring more about the other person than you do for yourself? Isn't it about common goals and focus? For the Christians, isn't it about honoring and glorifying God in your lives?

Anyway, the relationship poison that knotted my knickers was "children."  Yes, kids!  Shouldn't it be obvious that if you marry another person and start--well, you know--that the little swimmer might bump itself into the little ovum and babies might be made? A sad fact of twenty first century life is that many couples don't want to have kids, and if one of the little beasties pops up, many couples let an unexpected child torpedo their relationship.

Anyway, this post isn't for those folks. It’s for the husband and wife that actually wanted kids. A great hazard to procreating is the demise of the spontaneous wrestling match between bride and groom. As dopey as the article was, one quote stuck out. “Once you have rugrats, your love life is over. Sorry, I speak from experience.”

I speak from experience, too, and yes, having kids can get in the way of the noon nookie, but the sexual sauce can age very well if the husband and wife must make time for blending their bodies.

To that end, a few tidbits we’ve picked up along the way.

1. Put your kids to bed! The parents that let their kids stay up until ten o’clock when they’re little don’t have their eyes set on each other. They’re letting the kids rule the roost. Kids need their sleep and dad needs to stare into mom’s eyes…and then some. At ten, both tots and folks are tuckered out.

2. Put your kids to bed! Yeah, I know I just said that, but small children need rest during the day, too. Naps or quiet time in the early afternoon provide the children much needed rest and on occasion can provide the folks with a frisky frolic on the rare occasion when they both happen to be home.

3. Schedule. Yes, spontaneity is nice, but it’s going to happen every blue moon as the children grow. So carve out time. Plan ahead. And then look forward to it. Talk about it. Send your bride an e-mail from work. Text him. Let each other know your thinking about them…yes, in that way.

4. Use the lock on the bedroom door. As your kids get old enough to occupy themselves during the day, you might steal a moment or two alone. That can also lead to some comical moments. I remember one day when my youngest son came to the door, and me suggesting that we’d be out in a bit. He turned to his brothers and asked, “Are they working on their recital in their?” as my eldest son began to practice the “Theme from Star Wars” on the piano. Oh, did we laugh.

The physical intimacy that comes naturally in the months after the wedding day must be cultivated with great care in the decades that ensue. If husband and wife let children bring an end to their erotic escapades, they run the risk of damaging their relationship.

Make the time. Make it happen.  Yes, enjoy your kids, but don’t ever stop enjoying (really enjoying!) your mate.