Thursday morning I had the honor to wake my son. His football team was having a team breakfast (game day, you know) and he wanted to go. Dutiful dad rises at 6:30, not too bad, chomps a little breakfast and waits. And waits. Planning to head out the door at 7:10, I expected to see my son by 7:00. Nope. When I peaked in his room, he was deep in a REM sprawl.
After a loving kiss on the forehead and a gentle nudge to the shoulder, we still made it out the door by 7:11 (remember the Slurpy Rock Cups? You don't? Oh, well). The conversation enroute to the jackal feed went something like this:
"Did you forget to set your alarm?"
"No. It went off, but it didn't go off the second time."
The second time? Ah, he's a Snoozer. I could feel my eyes roll back into my head as my molars pressed together with a force that would have turned a charcoal brickette into a five karat diamond.
Other mornings I'll be eating breakfast and hear the heart-stopping "EENH-EENH-EENH-EENH!" of another's son's alarm clock, but then nothing else. Then as sure as my tax load will increase every year for the next seven years, "EENH-EENH-EENH-EENH!" his clock resounds seven minutes later. Every now and then, this cycle will repeat itself to the third and fourth iteration. That son, too, is a Snoozer.
I - do - not - understand - the Snoozer! In my literalist brain, the purpose of an alarm clock is to wake you to start your day. Explain to me why anyone would want someone to enter their bedroom, rudely clang a wooden spoon around the soup kettle only to whisper in their ear, "You have seven more minutes of sleep after which time I'll come clanging again." Most would deny that they want someone to do that, but then they'll set their alarm to do that very thing!
I don't get it. Maybe there's some psychology that I'm missing, but -- me?-- give me as much sleep as I can squeeze out of the night. If it takes me 32.97 minutes to get from pillow to the door, I'll set my alarm 33 minutes before my departure time only because I can't figure out how to program hundreths of seconds into the stupid thing.
That made me think of the Snoozer's daffier cousin, the Time Padder. This is the guy who sets all of his clocks fifteen minutes ahead of time to give themselves an extra fifteen minutes so that they'll not be late...and yet they are ALWAYS late! Usually by well over fifteen minutes. They look at their watch, see 9:15 and gasp! "No, wait. Wait a minute. I've set my watch fifteen minutes ahead of time. It's only 9:00. I'm not nearly as late as I thought I was."
The part of Time Padder's brain that easily tells time seems completely dissociated from the part of their brain that works logic. "Ssshhh...be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm going to set all my clocks fifteen minutes ahead of the time that it is right now to trick myself into believing that it's really that time. Then--voila!--I'll suddenly become a responsible, on-time individual."
Methinks not.
Pad away. Snooze away. But please be ready to walk out the door at 7:10.
After a loving kiss on the forehead and a gentle nudge to the shoulder, we still made it out the door by 7:11 (remember the Slurpy Rock Cups? You don't? Oh, well). The conversation enroute to the jackal feed went something like this:
"Did you forget to set your alarm?"
"No. It went off, but it didn't go off the second time."
The second time? Ah, he's a Snoozer. I could feel my eyes roll back into my head as my molars pressed together with a force that would have turned a charcoal brickette into a five karat diamond.
Other mornings I'll be eating breakfast and hear the heart-stopping "EENH-EENH-EENH-EENH!" of another's son's alarm clock, but then nothing else. Then as sure as my tax load will increase every year for the next seven years, "EENH-EENH-EENH-EENH!" his clock resounds seven minutes later. Every now and then, this cycle will repeat itself to the third and fourth iteration. That son, too, is a Snoozer.
I - do - not - understand - the Snoozer! In my literalist brain, the purpose of an alarm clock is to wake you to start your day. Explain to me why anyone would want someone to enter their bedroom, rudely clang a wooden spoon around the soup kettle only to whisper in their ear, "You have seven more minutes of sleep after which time I'll come clanging again." Most would deny that they want someone to do that, but then they'll set their alarm to do that very thing!
I don't get it. Maybe there's some psychology that I'm missing, but -- me?-- give me as much sleep as I can squeeze out of the night. If it takes me 32.97 minutes to get from pillow to the door, I'll set my alarm 33 minutes before my departure time only because I can't figure out how to program hundreths of seconds into the stupid thing.
That made me think of the Snoozer's daffier cousin, the Time Padder. This is the guy who sets all of his clocks fifteen minutes ahead of time to give themselves an extra fifteen minutes so that they'll not be late...and yet they are ALWAYS late! Usually by well over fifteen minutes. They look at their watch, see 9:15 and gasp! "No, wait. Wait a minute. I've set my watch fifteen minutes ahead of time. It's only 9:00. I'm not nearly as late as I thought I was."The part of Time Padder's brain that easily tells time seems completely dissociated from the part of their brain that works logic. "Ssshhh...be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm going to set all my clocks fifteen minutes ahead of the time that it is right now to trick myself into believing that it's really that time. Then--voila!--I'll suddenly become a responsible, on-time individual."
Methinks not.
Pad away. Snooze away. But please be ready to walk out the door at 7:10.
- Signed,
The Type-A, sets his every time piece by the US Naval Observatory Master Clock, blog venter
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