An afternoon at CNN.com

What follows are actual CNN.com headlines from 4 p.m. May 3, 2010.  Yes, the truth is stranger than fiction.  Headline #1:

Betty White draws the line at nudity

That one alone sent me screaming down the hall.  You know the heebie-jeebies you get when you believe some despised critter has found its way down the back of your shirt and the wild, flailing dance you do to try and extract it?  Yeah, you get the idea.

Anyway, I, for one, would like to express my deepest appreciation to Ms. White for her courageous stand.  Yikes.

Next head-scratcher:

Serious legal hurdles for gay divorce

Um.  Does that one make the little propeller on your beanie spin contrary to the earth's rotation, too?

This one comes as no surprise:

A Supreme Court without Protestants?

You can almost here the CNN newsroom, "We can only hope!"  In a post-modern, post-Christian nation, does the majority even care anymore?  Most justices receive a nice coating of tar and feathers if they even hint that law's Source (God Almighty, in case you were wondering)  informs their jurisprudent opinion.

Next, please:

Night of Comedy in DC

Legislators must be staying late.  Next:

Pot farm found on state property

Dude, like that's news?  It lined the boulevards of DC when Marion Barry helmed the city.  And you thought your buddies liked hiking in Moab because of the wild rock formations.

Last one for this trip around the track:

Study: Obese kids get bullied more

Yes, and the average person has ten digits on their hands and ten on their feet.  Who got paid for such a study?  I could have told them that for a quarter of the price and been quite happy.  Here's the tragedy of that headline.  The parents are to blame for the obesity and the grief.  I heard some parents lament recently that they couldn't get their kids off the video games.  Excuse me?!  Who's the PARENT?  If you let your kids consume a box of Twinkies as an afternoon snack and then give them a half-gallon milkshake from Sonic to wash it down, and if their only toned muscles can be found in their texting thumbs and Guitar Hero fingers, they will end up a wee bit pudgy about the mid-section.  If your kid is a budding Michael Phelps, you'd better own a supermarket to keep his furnace fueled, but most of us could have served as models for the extras in Pixar's Wall*E.

I wish I were making this stuff up, but it was all collected on the front page of CNN.com.