Top ten reasons for a global currency

10. Now we'll get money with pictures of those wacky internationlists like Joe Stalin, Chairman Mao, and Idi Amin. Perhaps one of the lovely British queens like the Canadians have.

9. No more of that silly American bravado. The international community will finally be able to coerce the United States (if that's what we're still called) to bow to its will. If they don't like what we're about, then they'll apply the financial whammy. If our peasants aren't making enough brick, "Whammy!"

8. No more ACLU lawsuits since "In God We Trust" will be nowhere found.

7. The blood, sweat, and tears of American workers will not only prop up their own free-loaders and bailout recipients, but we'll be propping up dying and dead economies like North Korea and the Sudan.

6. Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon and Alec Baldwin might finally move off American soil.

5. New pro sport names. In baseball, the Cincinnati Red Menace. In football, the Detroit Lenins, and the New York Jihadists. Oakland will simply keep the Raiders. In hockey, Montreal will have to lose its jingoistic "Canadiens" for something a bit more palatable. Perhaps the Montreal Impotent Members of the UN or I.M.U.s for short.

4. No more national independence. We'll all get to kowtow to whatever the whoevers tell us to do. Kyoto? Here it comes. International Rights of the Child? Just cede your kid to the state.

3. No more having to sweat who gets to host the Olympics every other year. If we're all singing Kumbaya, who cares if we clock the Ruskies in hockey. We're all on the same team.

2. No more multi-language nonsense. If we're going for one currency, we might as well all speak the same language. I'm pulling for English.

And the number one reason for a global currency.

1. No more pennies!